


So much to say (I just can't speak)

by hopelessly_me



Category: Marvel
Genre: First Kiss, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, NERVOUS CLINT, Secret revealed, Steve Is a Good Bro, hopeful Bucky, pining Bucky, sad bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28128072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopelessly_me/pseuds/hopelessly_me
Summary: Bucky has never considered himself the jealous type. But when Steve and Clint start hanging out more and more, Bucky starts pulling back to protect his own feelings.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton
Comments: 34
Kudos: 146
Collections: Winterhawk Wonderland - 2020 edition!





	So much to say (I just can't speak)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [allyouneedissleep](https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyouneedissleep/gifts).



> Thanks for the awesome prompts for the Winterhawk wonderland, allyouneedissleep! =D I hope you have a great holiday season. Also, thank you thespeckledbandicoot for the beta read! You're a rockstar!

Bucky Barnes had never been the jealous type. He had always been a smooth talker, knew his way around words and could use them to his benefit. And if his game didn’t work, he would shrug it off and move on. Back in the day he thought he had all the time in the world, so what was the point of becoming jealous? He’d find his person sooner or later and everything would be okay.

But that was a whole lifetime ago and Bucky wasn’t that person anymore. He rarely liked being around other people, preferring the quiet to the overstimulation of a dozen conversations being had at once. All of his one time confidence had died the moment he regained enough of himself to know what he had known, to see the scarring at his arm joint, at the feeling of the cold metal to his side. Now he was pretty sure he would never find that person because he couldn’t force himself to even get up and try.

“Hey Buck.”

And then there was one other issue- his name was Clint Barton. He always came to the flat with that brighter than the sun smile that had a nasty habit of forcing a smile out of Bucky against his will. After the initial shock of who Bucky was, and what he had done, Clint was one of the most forgiving people in the whole of New York, or maybe even the world. He made an effort even when Bucky didn’t talk back much. He knew Bucky’s boundaries and he respected them, and when Bucky would push for more, Clint was always there to give it.

Bucky hadn’t meant to fall for the team’s archer; if anything, Clint was the one Bucky had wanted to steer clear of. He had been told that Clint had some things in common with Bucky- they were both marksmen, sharpshooters, could handle most weapons with ease; but it was the brainwashing stint that made Bucky want to shy away. The last thing he wanted to do was stroll down memory lane with someone else that went through that shit. So the first day he actually met Clint and was alone with him, he had told him so much. Clint raised his beer bottle to his lips with a bit of a smirk on his face and Bucky could still hear the words if he concentrated hard enough. _Good because I really don’t feel like talking about that bullshit again._

It had developed slowly from there. Between all the nights they secretly would run into each other as they escaped their own demons, to the days they spent trying to out shoot each other, Bucky began to fall in love with Clint. He had told himself that one of these days he would finally confess his feelings, see where Clint stood. And then all that had to get ruined.

“Hey Buck,” Steve said, walking in behind Clint, taking his jacket off. Clint snorted and pulled Steve’s stocking cap off and hit him with it playfully, a spray of water all over Steve’s face.

“Hey,” Bucky greeted as nicely as he could.

Clint and Steve were always together now. For the last month they had been hanging out, leaving the Tower for hours before coming up, laughing and shoving each other like they were teenage boys. Steve was getting those bright, warm smiles and every time Steve smiled back, Bucky was becoming more sure that there was more between them that they weren’t letting out. 

And that was why Bucky felt like he was becoming that person- the jealous type. He was becoming jealous of the person who had put him first from the moment he knew Bucky was alive. He was becoming jealous of the man who he knew would do anything for him and it wasn’t fair to Steve. Steve deserved something good, and if that good was Clint, Bucky was willing to take a back seat. It wasn’t like Bucky had told Steve, and Steve was notorious for being oblivious. In fact, Clint was too. He had heard Natasha tease Clint once about it, one of those missions where it was just the three of them and they celebrated with too much booze, that even Natasha seemed to be verging on drunk. _For being Hawkeye, you miss a lot of the dumbest shit._ Bucky had to agree with her there.

“Hey- is that book any good?” Clint asked, leaning up against the couch and peering over at Bucky. “Tony keeps bugging me to read it and I haven’t yet. Worth the time?”

Bucky blinked and looked down at his lap. _A Brief History of Time._ Then he felt himself bristling when he heard Steve laugh. “Tony wants you to read physics?”

Bucky wanted to shout at Steve about how Clint spent a lot of his time down in the labs with Bruce and Tony when most of the people in the Tower thought Clint had taken off to Bed-Stuy or one of his hiding spots. He wanted to go on about how Clint was a lot smarter than what people gave him credit for. Bucky wanted to scold Steve about how Clint had survived some of the worst childhood trauma growing up and that he was learning everything so rapidly that Bucky often joked with Clint that he was going to become one of those evil geniuses.

One glance at Clint told him to bite his tongue because Clint didn’t even look phased. His smile hadn’t dimmed, if anything it had grown. “Yeah, it’s good. I’ll share it with you when I’m done,” Bucky settled on saying.

“Awesome. Thanks.”

“Oh hey, Clint, I need to show you something,” Steve said, tilting his head towards the door. “Got a minute?”

“Yeah, sure,” Clint replied, peeling himself off of the couch. “We’ll see you at dinner, Buck?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there,” Bucky replied.

“Awesome. And hey- if you have time afterwards, you want to hang out?” Clint asked as he walked towards the back with Steve. He caught himself in the doorway and smiled at Bucky. “I kinda have something I want to talk to you about.”

Bucky’s heart sank but he nodded anyway. “Sure- we’ll talk tonight,” he promised.

“Great!” Clint winked and turned around to join Steve, catching up and slinging an arm around him.

Bucky heard the door to Steve’s room close before he made it to his feet. He needed something to focus on, and he wasn’t sure what that something was. He didn’t want to shoot- he was pretty sure he would put himself into a bad headspace for the day. Working out seemed out of the question too. Maybe he could find Sam and sit around with him and bullshit until Sam did his psychology bullshit on him. Or maybe Wanda would want to-

All it took was a loud laugh from Clint, followed by Steve trying to shush him before Bucky to grab his jacket and left. Anywhere was better than there, even outside in the cold. He picked up his scarf, hat, gloves, and was out the door, putting them on as he went. He didn’t want to stay there and listen to them- he couldn’t stomach it.

He had a good feeling on what Clint wanted to talk about. He probably wanted to talk to Bucky about Steve, whether it be on if he should ask Steve out or tell him that they are dating. Why Steve couldn’t tell Bucky himself, Bucky didn’t know. All Bucky did know was that he wasn’t sure he could be a good friend to Clint and hear him out. He was pretty sure the moment Clint opened his mouth Bucky would spill that he liked him, had liked him for awhile, and it would all turn awkward.

_I need to talk to Steve about moving into my own space._ Bucky didn’t know why that simple idea hadn’t hit him before. It made sense though. If Steve and Clint were ready to get serious, tell everyone, Bucky didn’t want to be around that all the time. So he could move out- there was an empty apartment in the Tower with his name on it even. Maybe it would hurt less if he didn’t have to constantly be around those two and their flirting. Maybe he could tell Clint he wasn’t feeling good and get out of talking until after he is moved into his own space, after he could allow himself to detox from the situation a bit.

Bucky stayed out longer than he should have that night. He enjoyed the views and tried to not let every couple he passed get to him. He bought himself street food, sat on a bench, drank almost as much hot chocolate as Clint did coffee. Christmas time in New York would never lose that special magic, or so Bucky thought. Between the snow and the decorations, it was enough to fill anyone with that hopeful holiday spirit.

But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get Clint and Steve out of his head.

It was quickly approaching midnight when Bucky managed to drag his butt back home. Steve would be in bed by now, and Clint certainly would have given up. But just in case he hadn’t-

“Hey Jarvis, please don’t tell Clint I’m back,” he requested.

“ _Of course, James. He has been inquiring about you today_ ,” the AI system informed him. “ _Are you alright, sir?_ ”

“I’m fine,” Bucky lied.

He took the elevator straight up to his floor and went to his apartment. The lights were off, which was a good sign, and everything was quiet. Bucky slowly stripped off his winter weather gear and he wished he had a fireplace to warm up in front of. He could have gone down to the commonspace, there was a fireplace there, but then he risked running into someone he didn’t want to run into.

“Well, you sure stayed out late.”

Bucky closed his eyes for a moment to brace himself for this conversation. He turned around and forced a smile. “Hey. Yeah, sorry. I got lost in my head a little bit and didn’t realize the time. Did I miss anything?” he asked.

Steve was watching him with a critical eye. He looked worried, but that wasn’t anything new- Steve always looked worried when it came to Bucky and his sometimes odd behavior. “Can we at least talk about whatever is going on?” Steve asked, cutting right to the chase. “You have been acting more distant lately. I’m starting to get concerned.”

“I’m fine,” Bucky lied again.

“Is it Clint?” Steve asked point blank. Bucky felt his mouth twitch but he refused to open it. “I can tell him to back off bothering you if-”

“It’s not that,” Bucky groaned. “Clint is fine. He doesn’t bother me.”

“Well, you sure fooled him then,” Steve said.

“What do you mean?” Bucky decided it was best to try to act as natural as possible. He turned on a lamp near his chair and picked up his book as he sat down. “Is he having one of those self-doubt moments again? Because if he is he knows he’s supposed to-”

“Bucky.” Steve sat down, his arms on his thighs as he leaned forward. “What is going on?”

_One of the few times Steve isn’t oblivious and it’s right I need him to be_. Bucky set his book off to the side. “I want to move into my own apartment,” Bucky said. “I think it’s time.”

“That’s good, I’m happy for you,” Steve said, although that happiness sure didn’t reach his tone. “That still doesn’t answer why you are trying to push Clint away. He said he needed to talk to you about something and you ditched him. Which can happen, but this is about the third time now. What gives?”

Bucky wanted to hold it all back and inside. He wanted to come up with a believable lie. But he was tired of running, and he didn’t think it was fair to Steve. “I’m sweet on him,” Bucky said, his voice threatening to break out on him as his throat tightened up. “I never told you, but I love the guy, Steve. And seeing you two together is just- I need time to get used to it.”

Steve was silent, a shocked expression written across his face. “I’m happy for you though,” Bucky rushed to add “You deserve something good, and Clint is _good_. I want you both to be happy. I just need some time to get over this stupid infatuation I have, that’s all.”

It didn’t make Bucky feel any better getting it out in the open like he had. If anything he felt like he was going to be sick, and the expression on Steve’s face wasn’t helping. Especially when that confusion turned in a smile.

“Nevermind, forget I even-”

“Clint and I aren’t dating,” Steve said, smiling, relaxing back against the couch, his legs sprawling. “Nor have we ever. Nor would we ever. We’re not like that.”

“But you both have been-” Bucky began to argue.

“Clint has been helping me with a few side projects lately,” Steve explained. “One is we are trying to train together so if need be, Clint can step in as me for a diversion tactic. We have planned it for a while now, and this past month he finally said we should do it in case I am off world and the world needs, well, me.”

“But when you leave the Tower-” Bucky began to say.

“New Year's Resolutions. I said I wanted to learn how to cook, Clint said he wants to express his creative side,” Steve said. “One day a week we are in a cooking class together, and another day we go out for an art class.”

“... Clint is doing art,” Bucky said skeptically.

“He’s not _terrible_ at it, he just doesn’t have the patience for it,” Steve chuckled, looking a little lost in a memory for a moment. “He’s getting better. Just like he’s getting better at reading more advanced material, or how he’s having Bruce and Tony are teaching him the math behind the skills he uses. And since he is good at cooking, and I am good at the art side, we can find a little bit of comfort in each other when we push past our comfort zone.”

Bucky sat back in his chair. “But in your bedroom today-”

The door to their apartment flew up and Clint walked in like he was on mission. “I can’t take it anymore! He’s been gone all day and I’m starting to think-”

“Hi Clint. Say hi, Buck,” Steve said quickly.

Clint jolted in his spot and turned slowly to look at Bucky. “... oh. Oh, uh- hi Bucky.” He reached a hand up and awkwardly rubbed at his nose, poorly trying to conceal a blush spreading across his cheeks.

“Hey,” Bucky said, his face starting to heat up as well.

Steve chuckled and stood up. “I think I am going to turn in. You two have a _lot_ to talk about,” Steve commented. “Good night.”

“Night,” Bucky and Clint both murmured. 

Clint watched Steve go before he looked back at Bucky. “Uh- hey.”

Bucky sighed and stood up. “Want a jacket? I think I need to get up on the roof for a bit.”

“Yeah, sure. Roof sounds good,” Clint admitted. 

Clint mostly kept his eyes averted from Bucky as the two got bundled up. Bucky couldn’t help but to watch Clint as his nerves were building. _All of this stress for the last month for nothing_ Bucky thought. He had been avoiding Clint, avoiding Steve, and all because he got it in his head that they were something that they weren’t.

Clint spilled out of the elevator first and headed straight to their normal spot. It was the only location on that rooftop that was clear enough for them both to sit down, feet dangling over the edge. It was just on the right side of dangerous to keep them both focused where they wouldn’t get stuck in their own heads for too long. It was the adrenaline rush they both needed.

However, Clint turned around at the last second to face Bucky, well enough away from the edge. “If I did something wrong, all you have to do is tell me,” Clint said. “I can back off or-”

“Please don’t back off,” Bucky implored as he strolled closer. “Clint, I-” Bucky paused, just an arms length away to look at Clint. Clint looked like he was on the brink of disappointment, preparing for rejection. He had the same look on his face that Bucky felt for the whole last month.

“It’s okay,” Clint said. “I know I’m a lot to handle and sometimes you just need the quiet. So it’s okay if-”

“I think I love you,’ Bucky interrupted. Clint couldn’t quite close his mouth as he looked at Bucky in awe. “I have for awhile now. And just when I thought about telling you, you and Steve started hanging around each other more and I thought- I thought I had lost my chance.”

Clint shifted his feet. “You thought Steve and I were dating?” he asked hesitantly.

“Dating, flirting, something. I don’t know,” Bucky answered. “And I was trying to respect that while trying to keep myself from ruining it somehow. Because if you both were happy I wasn’t going to-”

Clint stepped up and his hand brushed against Bucky’s cheek before he kissed him. It wasn’t what Bucky had expected; he expected something with more heat, channeling all of Clint’s energy into a single moment. Instead it was soft, tentative like he was afraid of something, but it lingered. Bucky was the one who broke it first, searching Clint’s eyes for some kind of reassurance. Clint looked more relieved, his smile more sure than the kiss had been.

“Thought I was dating Steve,” Clint said in a mocking tone, completely changing the mood around them with five little words.

“Shut the fuck up. You were the two being all frat boys with each other,” Bucky snarked at him.

Clint laughed. “I am a frat boy with _everyone_ . Doesn’t mean I want to kiss’em,” Clint said. “Hell, I frat boy with _Natasha_. You know what would happen if I tried to kiss her? I’d get stabbed.”

“She wouldn’t stab you, you’re so dramatic,” Bucky said, his heart feeling lighter.

“Bullshit she wouldn’t. She’s stabbed me before,” Clint insisted.

“You probably deserved it,” Bucky commented nonchalantly.

“Oh, I did. I definitely did,” Clint agreed. “So… we’re okay, right? And that kiss was-?”

“Not your best effort but I’ll accept it,’ Bucky answered.

“Not my best-” Clint began to repeat, sounding offended through his smiling. “I’ll have you know I was terrified of getting hit in the face with rejection because I’m clearly dating Steve.” Bucky rolled his eyes and shoved Clint whose laugh made all of the sick feelings float away. “I’m somehow flattered you think I have a chance with Steve but no thank you. He’s too old for me.”

“I’m older than Steve,” Bucky said flatly.

“Mmmm, guess I’ll have to make an exception,” Clint said, wrapping his arms around Bucky loosely. “You know, if you thought my first attempt was lackluster… you’re older. Maybe you should show me how it’s done.”

Bucky grinned and grabbed Clint’s jacket, pulling him down. “Don’t mind if I do.”


End file.
